I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
