I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
