i jhust puked up my retainher.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
