that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
