No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Randomize
