I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
