What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
