Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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