Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
