Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
