my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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