Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
