I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
