Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
