Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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