Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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