my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
