dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
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I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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