If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
