I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
