My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
