i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
