god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
