I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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