Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
No I am not eating basil off your cock
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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