just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
