It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
