the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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