i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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