I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Randomize
