I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
my liver is dry heaving
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
