my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
