Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
