i was born a porn star she said
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
