Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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