a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
