My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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