There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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