my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
