meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
