Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
