Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
