Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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