i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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