Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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