I just threw up on my dentist
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
