put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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