I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
