I'm jealous of your bromance
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
