I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
