I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
