I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
