Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
